Moving to a new school can be hard; especially when you are
a freshman in high school. MaKenzie McDonald didn’t know what to expect on her
first day at Aesop High School. She had seen many movies about the drama that
surrounds high school and what upper classmen did to freshman. “Will they chase
me and paddle me the way the upper classmen did in that really old Matthew
McConaughey movie?” Kenzie thought to herself. Putting silly thoughts behind
her, Kenzie bravely walked inside and found her first class. As she entered Mrs.
Pettigrew’s US History class, Kenzie couldn’t help but notice all of the other
students laughing and talking to their friends.
“You look scared out of your mind,”
said a voice coming from Kenzie’s left. Kenzie quickly turned around a saw a
tall guy with bright red hair and two tattoos on his arm.
“If you keep looking like a scared
little church mouse, the upper classmen are going to eat you alive. So, I’d
work on that if I were you. I’m Casen by the way.”
MaKenzie took a long look at the boy and decided that with
his eyebrow piercing, intense gaze, deep voice, and Metallica shirt, he was definitely
not someone she wanted associate herself with. Without saying a word, Kenzie
scurried off to an empty seat on the other side of the room. When the bell
rang, Kenzie rushed out of the door hoping to avoid the boy with the rooster
red hair. In her haste, she ran right smack into someone.
“I am so sorry!” MaKenzie said.
Looking up she saw the most beautiful boy she had ever seen.
“Not a problem,” the boy said with
a smile.
“Gosh, he has the cutest smile,
Kenzie thought.
“Here, let me help you up,” the boy
said while extending a hand to Kenzie. “I’m Calum. You must be new here because
I would most definitely remember someone as beautiful as you.”
Kenzie, by some miracle, stood up on her jelly legs.
“I, I’m MaKenzie. I, I’m new here,”
she stuttered nervously.
“Well MaKenzie, I know we just met
but, as president of the student council, I am required to know everyone in the
school; especially someone as gorgeous as you. Why don’t you meet me in front
of the school after classes and we can go someone to get to know each other.”
“Sure,” said a beet red MaKenzie.
As MaKenzie ran off to class, Calum turned to his friends
and said,
“I can’t believe that girl actually
fell for it! I swear freshmen are so gullible! I can’t wait to see the look on
all of their faces when we round them up outside of the school and throw raw
fish at them.”
“Classic!” replied one of Calum’s
flunkies. The boys turned and laughed their way to class. Little did they know a
boy with bright red hair heard every word of their cruel prank.
At the
end of the school day, MaKenzie ran out of her class and headed straight to the
front of the school. She tightly clutched her binder to her chest as she
nervously waited for Calum. After 5 minutes of waiting, she spotted Calum
coming towards her. Just as he was about to approach her, a tattooed arm grabbed
her and pulled her into another room.
“What are you doing!?” Kenzie
yelled.
“Saving you from
your eminent embarrassment,” Casen replied. “That Calum kid is bad news!”
“You’re wrong!” Kenzie shouted. “He
is nice and sweet and he was about to take me out on a date.”
“Is that so?” Casen questioned. “If
he is so nice and innocent then why is he torturing those freshmen?” Casen pointed
at the window.
Kenzie looked out of
the window and to her horror she saw Calum pelting a group of freshman with raw
fish.
“I can’t believe someone as sweet
and attractive as Calum would do something like this,” MaKenzie said. “And you!
You who look so intimidating actually helped me after I ignored you,” she said
quietly with her head down.
Just then, Casen looked MaKenzie in the eyes and said, “Never
judge people, by their looks.”
Authors Note: This story is based on The Cat the Cock, and the Young Mouse from The Aesop for Children with illustrations by Milo Winter (1919). The story is about a young mouse who ventures out on his own for the first time. While out, he runs across a barnyard cock and a cat. The mouse finds the cock frightening and the cat welcoming. As he is about the approach the cat, the cock makes a noise that scares the mouse and causes him to run away. When the mouse tells his mother of his adventure, she warns him about the dangers of the cat and tells the young mouse that he should never judge a person by their appearance. Although we may not do this intestinally, it is easy to jump to conclusions about someone who we do not one just based on how they look. There have been research studies conducted that show just how much physical appearance can influence people’s thoughts. I chose to write in this style as a way to help the audience follow along with the dialogue without confusion.
This story was very touching to me. I was a punk/scene kid (whatever you want to label it) in high school and transitioning from different schools was definitely a challenges. But once people got to know me, they knew I was a regular person with a funny and nice personality. I love your writing style and the way you made the reading take a lesson out of the story.
ReplyDeleteEven though making a highschool drama out of fairytales isn't my type of story, you did very well in setting up the plot!
ReplyDeleteIt looks like you want to make the audience aware of the characters' deepest thoughts and feelings, which is good because you obviously have characters with real potential! But I would avoid trying to have each character talk with so much exposition: they don't need to explain the story. You as an author can explain the story and the inter-relationships between the characters much better through their actions than their words.
I did wind up having an issue with your delivery of the final moral of the story though. It's usually much more effective if you SHOW the morals to stories, rather than than have one of the characters just blurt it out right at the end
First off, I was thrown off by your comment about Dazed and Confused being “really old”. Then I realized that I, too, am “really old”, comparatively. That movie came out my Sophomore/Junior year of high school :) Anyway, on to your story: I loved it. From my experience, nine times out of ten the most too-good-to-be-true people are that way because they are not real and almost 100% of the time, they are up to no good. I especially love your picture. It tells the truth in so many ways!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I totally disagree with Poshie up there, I liked the way you had each character talk and tell the story. I don’t do well with that myself and I find the dialogue refreshing. I thought it flowed well also. To me, you kept a nice balance of background storytelling and dialogue. I was able to “see” the story play out in my head, which doesn’t happen with every story. Great job!
I really like it when fables are taken and told in a completely new way without taking away from the original story. You did an excellent job of retelling this fable and I especially enjoyed the visual distinctions for each character: how the truly nice guy was covered in tattoos and piercings and the charming class president was actually truly detestable. I also enjoy the way in which you write - it's easy to read, but is filled with enough description and visuals to not be too easy to read. I look forward to reading more of your re-tellings. They're creative and fun!
ReplyDeleteTerrica: I enjoyed your description of the boy's hair as "rooster red," and your explanation of Kenzie's nervousness as being manifested by "jelly legs." However, I think you could make this story even better with a few more vivid phrases such as these! While I was reading, I struggled a bit to "see" the story unfolding; although there was plenty of dialogue, there probably could have been a bit more narrative explanations of the characters' feelings and thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYour retelling of the story in a modern-day high school was clever - I especially appreciated how you used the lesson of "not judging by appearance" as a parallel from Aesop's Fables.